ASD and emotions, my own story

To recognize emotions, for me is, very difficult. I had problems with that in numerous situations. After I have been diagnosed with ASD, I learned to keep apart different emotions with help of aid workers, family and later on even friends. But recognizing emotions is just one step, to cope with them is an entirely other thing. Pleasure and joy are not so difficult, but I find it hard to express myself if the situation seems not appropriate to me. Even though it might seem appropriate to others afterwards, when I discuss the situation.

With what I cal negative emotions, sadness, anger, frustration and fear, I tend to collapse and get tense. When I'm tense, I can't show my emotions and they won't come out. It builds up and then I get more tense. Not such a good situation to my opinion. If I recognize that the emotions and tensity are building up, I can try a couple of things. Talking to somebody else, meditation, walking and/ or cycling. For a couple of weeks ago, I tried all of these thing, but I couldn't handle it. Panic and anxiety were at the surface of my mind. I felt terrible. I talked to an aid worker and she called my family doctor to try to get me some medication to calm down. He gave me some and after taking 5mg of oxazepam I calmed down enough and I finally managed to express my emotions. I cried, cursed and raged. After that I finally got some sleep and felt better.

Oxazepam is a terrible medication, you can get addicted to it. That's why I only take it when nothing else helps me to calm down.

I have learned how to help myself with dealing with my emotions and recognize a situation that could make me tense. Sudden situations, for example, are not easy to handle. I get tense right away and even then I try all of kinds of things to get relaxed. If that doesn't work, I can't do nothing else but take an oxazepam. I mostly take 5 mg in such situations, because it is more than enough for me. I don't take it often. In two weeks time I had it two times and before that I haven't got a dose since 2007 and I don't want to take it if it's not necessary.

Having emotions is so difficult. I sometimes don't want them and then I put my emotions aside and handle the situation rationally. There is a problem that could arise, because basically the emotions are there and they have to come out eventually. I had a periods of time where I handled it this way and got depressive. When I'm depressive, I don't want to live any more or wake up from sleep the next morning. Rationally I know I don't want to die and I certainly do want to wake up, because I have so much to live for. Rationally I'm very strong and that's my rescue in surviving my depressive state of mind. I can handle it and talk and write about it when I have discovered I'm depressive. Eventually the emotions can come and I push myself to let them get out. With a little help from the people around me, I can get over it quickly.

Emotions, everybody has them, but not everybody can handle them in a good way and they need help. People with ASD have generally more problems with recognizing and/ or handling emotions and need somebody who understand them and, when possible, can explain what is going on.  

Confidence

By times my confidence is low as can be. Specially when I'm confronted with a new situation. I often don't know what to do at those times. Step by step I try to handle the situation. It costs me a lot of energy, as well as mentally as physically. If I'm capable of handling the situation, my confidence grows. If not, I can get anxious and my mind will run with negative thoughts.

When I'm back at ease, I will think it all over and think about the things I could have done different. All step by step. Then I will try it again. My fear doesn't stop me from trying over and over again, but if, after trying a couple of times, I really can't do it, I give up.

A positive example: For a couple of years ago, I was on a riding-school and had to bring horses outside to a paddock. The lines for closing the paddocks gave me some troubles. I had a horse at my side on a rope, had to pick up the lines and close the paddock when the horse was inside. Because I had some troubles with it, I watched others doing it. Then I pictured it in my mind a couple of times. I tried it again and I did it! I did get a lot more confidence with handling horses and bringing them outside, but also back inside. I was proud with myself. Now I'm at different riding-school and I bring horses to a paddock two at a time, most of the times without any problems.

I made many mistakes in social interaction. It doesn't come naturally to me. I had to think things trough, but took me to much time resulting in silence or wrong reactions. I have learned a lot the last 10 years. I still have to think things trough, but it comes quicker than before, accept for new situations. I don't want to make mistakes, I can hurt people with my blunt reactions and that is something I really don't want to. With help from an aid worker, my friends and family, I now know what is acceptable. When I'm among my family and friends and I make a mistake, they tell me what has gone wrong and how I should react in future interactions. That makes it a lot easier for me and takes away my fear and anxiety. My confidence in social interactions has grown, but not to its full capacity. I'm learning and that's the most important thing.

One thing I'm really good at is remembering information about things I'm interested in. When people ask me about animals, math, computers or autism, I can give them loads of information. Everything I don't know, I will look in to and I will tell them later on what I have found.