ASD and emotions, my own story

To recognize emotions, for me is, very difficult. I had problems with that in numerous situations. After I have been diagnosed with ASD, I learned to keep apart different emotions with help of aid workers, family and later on even friends. But recognizing emotions is just one step, to cope with them is an entirely other thing. Pleasure and joy are not so difficult, but I find it hard to express myself if the situation seems not appropriate to me. Even though it might seem appropriate to others afterwards, when I discuss the situation.

With what I cal negative emotions, sadness, anger, frustration and fear, I tend to collapse and get tense. When I'm tense, I can't show my emotions and they won't come out. It builds up and then I get more tense. Not such a good situation to my opinion. If I recognize that the emotions and tensity are building up, I can try a couple of things. Talking to somebody else, meditation, walking and/ or cycling. For a couple of weeks ago, I tried all of these thing, but I couldn't handle it. Panic and anxiety were at the surface of my mind. I felt terrible. I talked to an aid worker and she called my family doctor to try to get me some medication to calm down. He gave me some and after taking 5mg of oxazepam I calmed down enough and I finally managed to express my emotions. I cried, cursed and raged. After that I finally got some sleep and felt better.

Oxazepam is a terrible medication, you can get addicted to it. That's why I only take it when nothing else helps me to calm down.

I have learned how to help myself with dealing with my emotions and recognize a situation that could make me tense. Sudden situations, for example, are not easy to handle. I get tense right away and even then I try all of kinds of things to get relaxed. If that doesn't work, I can't do nothing else but take an oxazepam. I mostly take 5 mg in such situations, because it is more than enough for me. I don't take it often. In two weeks time I had it two times and before that I haven't got a dose since 2007 and I don't want to take it if it's not necessary.

Having emotions is so difficult. I sometimes don't want them and then I put my emotions aside and handle the situation rationally. There is a problem that could arise, because basically the emotions are there and they have to come out eventually. I had a periods of time where I handled it this way and got depressive. When I'm depressive, I don't want to live any more or wake up from sleep the next morning. Rationally I know I don't want to die and I certainly do want to wake up, because I have so much to live for. Rationally I'm very strong and that's my rescue in surviving my depressive state of mind. I can handle it and talk and write about it when I have discovered I'm depressive. Eventually the emotions can come and I push myself to let them get out. With a little help from the people around me, I can get over it quickly.

Emotions, everybody has them, but not everybody can handle them in a good way and they need help. People with ASD have generally more problems with recognizing and/ or handling emotions and need somebody who understand them and, when possible, can explain what is going on.  

Confidence

By times my confidence is low as can be. Specially when I'm confronted with a new situation. I often don't know what to do at those times. Step by step I try to handle the situation. It costs me a lot of energy, as well as mentally as physically. If I'm capable of handling the situation, my confidence grows. If not, I can get anxious and my mind will run with negative thoughts.

When I'm back at ease, I will think it all over and think about the things I could have done different. All step by step. Then I will try it again. My fear doesn't stop me from trying over and over again, but if, after trying a couple of times, I really can't do it, I give up.

A positive example: For a couple of years ago, I was on a riding-school and had to bring horses outside to a paddock. The lines for closing the paddocks gave me some troubles. I had a horse at my side on a rope, had to pick up the lines and close the paddock when the horse was inside. Because I had some troubles with it, I watched others doing it. Then I pictured it in my mind a couple of times. I tried it again and I did it! I did get a lot more confidence with handling horses and bringing them outside, but also back inside. I was proud with myself. Now I'm at different riding-school and I bring horses to a paddock two at a time, most of the times without any problems.

I made many mistakes in social interaction. It doesn't come naturally to me. I had to think things trough, but took me to much time resulting in silence or wrong reactions. I have learned a lot the last 10 years. I still have to think things trough, but it comes quicker than before, accept for new situations. I don't want to make mistakes, I can hurt people with my blunt reactions and that is something I really don't want to. With help from an aid worker, my friends and family, I now know what is acceptable. When I'm among my family and friends and I make a mistake, they tell me what has gone wrong and how I should react in future interactions. That makes it a lot easier for me and takes away my fear and anxiety. My confidence in social interactions has grown, but not to its full capacity. I'm learning and that's the most important thing.

One thing I'm really good at is remembering information about things I'm interested in. When people ask me about animals, math, computers or autism, I can give them loads of information. Everything I don't know, I will look in to and I will tell them later on what I have found.  

Thinking about death, having a dream and finding happiness.

It is at the start of 2002, when I'm totally done with everything. I don't want to live anymore. After a few days thinking about death and a total lack of sleep, I take the elevator to the 6^th floor of the flat I'm living in. I wanted to get over the railing and drop myself to the death... Then some one came and my mind took over, I aborted the try to kill myself. I went home and and got to bed and was confused and very sad. After pulling my pillow over my head, the tears didn't come, I fell asleep. That night I got a message in a dream, a man, who looked like a younger version of my grandfather, told me to hang on and that my luck would come.

When I woke up I cried and I cried, but I couldn't stop thinking about that dream. From that day on, I lived from Tuesday to Saturday. Every Tuesday I had horse riding lessons and every Saturday I trained with our family-dog and did agility.

That summer I got psychological help. First an intake from a psychologist who told me I had depression and social phobia, but they didn't gave me the right questions. I told them only the answers to their questions, nothing more, nothing less. If they asked me more and I told them more, everything would have gone totally different. None the less they helped me a bit in the right direction. I got some help that made a difference in how I felt and how I handled things.

The real reason for my depression is the fact that I have been bullied, I had no social live and was therefor lonely, I couldn't handle my emotions and a lot more. The sensory impulses I got were overwhelming me an contributed also to my feelings of depression and anxiety. Because my depression was untreated for as long as 15 to 20 years, it had become chronic.

My thoughts were everything but happy. Death was on my mind, but I managed to keep it at bay, holding on to that dream.

In 2003 I was told, after research, I had a ASD (Autism Spectrum Disorder). I began to read about it and everything became so clear. It wasn't normal the way I felt. And even more important, not everyone feels the same way I do. So I began to talk about my feelings, at least I tried to. I couldn't make sense of my own feelings, so I needed help and thats what they gave me.

After a year, in 2004, it went wrong. I didn't get any sleep, I felt worse than ever before and I didn't to leave my house anymore. I made an appointment with my local doctor and told him what was wrong. He called a psychiatrist and asked him what to do. Because I had help from Humanitas DMH for emotional and social wellbeing, he subscribed me Efexor (antidepressant). In the meanwhile I had to talk about my feelings, my frustrations, but as I got along in the next couple of weeks, I began to feel better. It was easier for me to handle things and I soon began to learn how to make a difference between certain emotions. I was learning!

In 2007, I had learned so much, and all went so well, that I was surprised that my thoughts of wanting to die came back. I felt depressive, aggressive and overwhelmed by sensory impulses. Also I had physical complaints. Then I did something which was very stupid to do, but it turned out to be a very good decision. I quited taking the Efexor. Within 3 days al my problems were gone. The only thing that was troubling me, was that I couldn't find some peace of mind and all the noises and smells became to much for me to handle.

I was sent to a psychiatrist and he subscribed me something that was totally different. It was an anti-psychotic called Abilify. I started at 5 mg and that worked a hell of a lot better than I could have imagined. I t was not totally sufficient, but it worked. After a couple of months I got 10 mg and that is the dose I'm still on. It helped me to learn even more en handle everything a lot better. My social life became a joy and I was less tired after a social interaction.

My daily routine became more and more filled up, with less problems than u used to have.

This year I was depressive once again, but it was mild and I knew what was bothering me. Our Family-dog , Buffy, had died and she meant the world to me. With a little bit more medication,a lot of talking and writing I got over it and now I am back at my normal dose of 10 mg.

In the year 2002 I never would have thought I would be happy. Now I'm as happy as can be. I have friends and family who I love and I have a lot of things I can do with pleasure. Sometimes depression lurks at the corner, but most times I recognize it and take precautions.

The dream I had became the truth, I'm happy with my life and myself.  

How I keep contact with te people around me.

Sometimes I lose contact wit the people and animals I care about. I'm totally self centered at those times. Making contact is very difficult for me, because I tend to live in my own world by times, due to distress by noises, smells and other things.

I had a horse called Avalon and for some days I had lost contact with him, and also with his owner. Avalon suffered a bit by my lack of contact. When his owner told me so, I felt lost and sad. I didn't want to lose contact, but it had happened again. I was in my own world, my own mind.

I did something about it by talking to and grooming/ working with Avalon. I tried to put my mind open to the things, people and animals around me. It did cost me a lot of energy, but I have managed it.

I like contact, it doesn't make me feel  so lonely, but it is hard for me to maintain it. In the past I have never taken initiatives to maintain contact. That was before I was told that I had ASD (Autism Spectrum Disorder). After they told me, I tried harder en asked help to make and keep contact with people around me. 

I'm very afraid to be rejected, but people don't have time every time you need them or want to spend time with them. It makes me unsure and afraid. The best way to spend some time with other people is to make an appointment for a day and time.

Appointments are the best way for me to cope with stress that comes with social interaction. 

For example: - Every Monday I'm on the telephone with my mother

        - Every Tuesday I'm at my neighbors for a chat and something to eat and drink.

        - I try to cal my sister once in a while, but I have to put my mind to it, to do it. That                             makes it a bit difficult. I also chat with her via Facebook and that is easier for me.

        - My brother and sister in law are also regularly on Facebook and that's the way I                             keep in contact with them

My friends and family know how I am and are willing to take the initiative to make contact and spend some time with me and sometimes I have the courage to take the initiative myself! That makes me very proud of myself and self secure.