It is
at the start of 2002, when I'm totally done with everything. I don't
want to live anymore. After a few days thinking about death and a
total lack of sleep, I take the elevator to the 6th floor
of the flat I'm living in. I wanted to get over the railing and drop
myself to the death... Then some one came and my mind took over, I
aborted the try to kill myself. I went home and and got to bed and
was confused and very sad. After pulling my pillow over my head, the
tears didn't come, I fell asleep. That night I got a message in a
dream, a man, who looked like a younger version of my grandfather,
told me to hang on and that my luck would come.
When
I woke up I cried and I cried, but I couldn't stop thinking about
that dream. From that day on, I lived from Tuesday to Saturday. Every
Tuesday I had horse riding lessons and every Saturday I trained with
our family-dog and did agility.
That
summer I got psychological help. First an intake from a psychologist
who told me I had depression and social phobia, but they didn't gave
me the right questions. I told them only the answers to their
questions, nothing more, nothing less. If they asked me more and I
told them more, everything would have gone totally different. None
the less they helped me a bit in the right direction. I got some help
that made a difference in how I felt and how I handled things.
The
real reason for my depression is the fact that I have been bullied, I
had no social live and was therefor lonely, I couldn't handle my
emotions and a lot more. The sensory impulses I got were overwhelming
me an contributed also to my feelings of depression and anxiety.
Because my depression was untreated for as long as 15 to 20 years, it
had become chronic.
My
thoughts were everything but happy. Death was on my mind, but I
managed to keep it at bay, holding on to that dream.
In
2003 I was told, after research, I had a ASD (Autism Spectrum
Disorder). I began to read about it and everything became so clear.
It wasn't normal the way I felt. And even more important, not
everyone feels the same way I do. So I began to talk about my
feelings, at least I tried to. I couldn't make sense of my own
feelings, so I needed help and thats what they gave me.
After
a year, in 2004, it went wrong. I didn't get any sleep, I felt worse
than ever before and I didn't to leave my house anymore. I made an
appointment with my local doctor and told him what was wrong. He
called a psychiatrist and asked him what to do. Because I had help
from Humanitas DMH for emotional and social wellbeing, he subscribed
me Efexor (antidepressant). In the meanwhile I had to talk about my
feelings, my frustrations, but as I got along in the next couple of
weeks, I began to feel better. It was easier for me to handle things
and I soon began to learn how to make a difference between certain
emotions. I was learning!
In
2007, I had learned so much, and all went so well, that I was
surprised that my thoughts of wanting to die came back. I felt
depressive, aggressive and overwhelmed by sensory impulses. Also I
had physical complaints. Then I did something which was very stupid
to do, but it turned out to be a very good decision. I quited taking
the Efexor. Within 3 days al my problems were gone. The only thing
that was troubling me, was that I couldn't find some peace of mind
and all the noises and smells became to much for me to handle.
I was
sent to a psychiatrist and he subscribed me something that was
totally different. It was an anti-psychotic called Abilify. I started
at 5 mg and that worked a hell of a lot better than I could have
imagined. I t was not totally sufficient, but it worked. After a
couple of months I got 10 mg and that is the dose I'm still on. It
helped me to learn even more en handle everything a lot better. My
social life became a joy and I was less tired after a social
interaction.
My
daily routine became more and more filled up, with less problems than
u used to have.
This
year I was depressive once again, but it was mild and I knew what was bothering me. Our Family-dog , Buffy, had died and she meant the world to me. With a little bit
more medication,a lot of talking and writing I got over it and now I am back at my normal dose of
10 mg.
In
the year 2002 I never would have thought I would be happy. Now I'm as
happy as can be. I have friends and family who I love and I have a
lot of things I can do with pleasure. Sometimes depression lurks at
the corner, but most times I recognize it and take precautions.
The
dream I had became the truth, I'm happy with my life and myself.
